If You're Feelin' Like a Pimp, Go Ahead and Brush your SIDI's Off

There comes a point in every racers blossoming career when he or she realizes that skill just isn't enough. All of those hard hours in the saddle and genetic irregularities just won't cut the mustard when it comes down to elite-level competition.

It is at this pivotal moment that one comes to accept the fact that style matters more than ability. Below, I will highlight several of the most fundamental elements of MTB style:

Here, we see a textbook example of what an elite mountain bike racer SHOULD look like. But don't think it's all fun and games, kids...

This is the same (unnamed) racer as in the photo above, two years prior. Stained jersey, holey shorts, leg hair, Seattle grunge-scene beard, FUPA. The aforementioned are all NOT approved elements of cycling fashion.

But alas! There is hope yet for this individual. Let's take a look:

1) Matching EVERYTHING. He probably even wears Subaru/Gary Fisher undies when he's not on the bike. Absolutely a must.

2) White shoes. Nothing says "I'm here to party" like some all-white disco biscuits.

3) Freakish body proportions. That's right (John) - the optimal phsyique resembles a Tyranisaurus Rex: skinny on the top, all unusually voluminous on the bottom.

For bonus points, a 5:1 ratio of quadricep-to-ankle diameter should be observed.

4) Sweet-ass haircut. The more fashion faux pau, the better.

5) Complete disregard for equipment. Even if you're paying for it all yourself, ride as though your mechanic will replace said part(s) once you cross the finish line.

It's just that simple, folks.